We all can’t help but have grand aspirations for what our children might be – doctors, lawyers, the next Matisse. In this hunger for living vicariously through our kids, we’ll try out a bunch of different activities to see where they might shine. But as their maths homework starts to become worrying and the latest singalong makes you invest in ear-plugs, your hopes of living out your dreams through your miniature version rapidly start to dwindle. In the vain hope that maybe some fresh air might alleviate this disappointment, you take them out for a bit of a kick around in the park over the weekend. And suddenly – eureka! Their aim and balance is suspiciously good, they’re still running around long after your beer belly floored you… and delightful possibilities start to sparkle before your eyes. Maybe they’ll never get a Masters, but what if they could play for Liverpool?
Turning your pride and joy into the best PSG goalkeeper is no easy feat and you need to be sure that you prep them accordingly.
First – cardio and endurance. Being a football superstar means that your kid will need to rival the Energizer bunny and be able to run within an inch of their lives for at least the next decade. So meals, school and even bathroom breaks are all to be done on a treadmill from here on in. If it’s possible, see if you can get them to run in their sleep.
A strict diet – for all the running and sweating they’ll be doing, any excess fat is no longer permitted. If your son or daughter is to become as lean and robust as a racehorse, then extra crisps and birthday cake are officially cancelled. You can stick the candles into a protein bar and replace their squash with energy drinks (just be sure to stock up on quilted toilet paper and air freshener).
Acting lessons – in case you’ve never seen a football match before, feigning fouls is as crucial as scoring goals and all those trips, falls, ankle grasps and exasperated tears NEED to be convincing. Instant replay makes the scrutiny that much more intense, so your child will need to give an Oscar worthy performance every time they take a dive.
Medical care on speed dial – devoting your kid’s life to sport is one hell of a gamble. On the off chance one of those falls isn’t all an act, they’re just one nasty injury away from becoming an Uber driver, so get plenty of epsom salts, regular deep tissue massage and make friends with your local osteopath. They so much as complain of a sore neck, you send them on a weeklong retreat if needs be – their bodies are now your temple, so be sure to keep them fit as a fiddle!
A strong legal team – when your baby starts raking in multimillion dollar salaries and sponsorship deals, it’s all too easy for them to start pissing it all away. After all, if they’re going to spend all their time focusing on football, it’s not like they’re going to be concentrating on using their grey cells anymore. Be sure to set them up with an accountant, a financial adviser and set up a decent stock portfolio. That fortune will need to last them, and the whole family, a good long while. You’ll also want to look into good divorce lawyers for what comes next…
Let’s just be clear, football stardom comes with many expectations from the adoring fans and one of those is that on their arm should be a pouty lipped, fake tanned Juicy Couture-wearing She-demon. Sadly, this is unavoidable – in the quest to becoming the world’s finest specimen of manliness, common sense often seeps out in the same proportion as sweat during the premiership. So don’t count on your little prince to finding a sensible lady, or for the matter, taking it slow. It’s bad enough he’ll shower her with gifts worth enough to buy a house, but should the blood supply shortage to the head get mistaken for romance, they’ll get married before they even learn each other’s middle names and when it inevitably goes to pot, that She-demon is going to get her acrylic nails onto your retirement fund! Protect your child-star and their hard-earned winnings at all costs. Literally.
Last, but certainly not least, you’ll need to take charge of their social media. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that kids are stupid, and in this day and age of everything offends everybody, you can’t afford for their career to get derailed before it even begins because of one stupid tweat. Hire a freelance influencer or TikTok specialist to monitor all their social media accounts – upload videos of their rigorous workouts and volunteer work at the animal shelter. Anything else is strictly forbidden.
So just follow these very simple steps and all in good time, stadiums will be cheering your kid’s name – and all because you had the genius foresight to see the football stardom potential after one fluke goal on a lazy Sunday afternoon.