One Year On

It seems strange writing this now, one year on from what I would probably say was the most devastating time of my entire life. Whilst this is going live in the morning of the 22nd, I am writing this the evening before after a discussion with my friend where we realised that the 21st of December 2016 is exactly one month until my due date with baby girl and exactly one year since the most terrifying experience of my life.

I’ve spoken about my missed miscarriage before – I mentioned it in my post about why I was glad to leave 2015 behind and I also published a post during Baby Loss Awareness week. However it just seems so bizarre that its been a whole year since it all happened and within a month, I’ll have my rainbow baby in my life.

I do think of the baby we lost, I will never stop thinking about him or her. Its tough not knowing whether it was a boy or a girl as it happened too early on to tell – I was 11 weeks when we found out I had suffered a missed miscarriage but 8 weeks is when it actually happened. It doesn’t make my grief any less or any more but I do sometimes find it difficult that I don’t necessarily know what I am grieving for though. With Jack, I always felt he was a boy and with baby girl, I had an instinct she was a girl so going by my instinct, I believe that the baby would have been a boy but of course, I can’t ever know that.

I find it much easier to talk about now (if easier is the right word, it probably isn’t) and am open to discussing it with people who may not understand what a missed miscarriage means. Jack has shown some understanding of knowing what went on as he gets older – he recently asked if his grandparent’s dog who had to be put down was in heaven looking after the poorly baby – we’d never mentioned the actual word ‘death’ to him so he’s come to this conclusion seemingly on his own and it seems to give him some comfort believing that they and other family, friends and pets who have passed on are together looking after each other, playing and waiting to see us again one day.

This time of year will always be difficult for obvious reasons but I’m also looking forward to this Christmas where I can relax and enjoy myself a little more. Last year I felt very self conscious and uncomfortable due to obvious reasons (the symptoms can continue for a few days) and the wine slipped down a little too easily last year – I think I just wanted to forget.  This year Steve is working in the evening but we are going to his parents for Christmas dinner in the afternoon and even though I can’t drink, I’m looking forward to being relaxed and enjoying myself with family and making the most of our last Christmas as a family of three.

I’m not too sure where I am going with this post, I just felt the need to write it after a little chat with one of my friends who was here exactly one year ago, helping me and Steve through everything and who, without having her by my side, I would have probably fallen completely to pieces. Situations like these really do show you who your true friends are – and I am so grateful for mine.