2015 was one hell of a year. So much happened, both good or bad. I had some amazing experiences such as my trip to Paris, courtesy of Travel Supermarket and Jack getting into the nursery we want. But I also had some very dark times, the reasons for why I am glad to leave 2015 behind.
Don’t get me wrong, the whole year itself wasn’t completely negative, I had some fab times with some fab people but I’m looking forward rather than backward now.
Most of the negative things that happened in 2015 I could overlook. A failed MOT and complete depletion of my savings account? These things happen. Leaking in my kitchen when the rain is really heavy? Annoying but it can be sorted.
The reason why I am glad to leave 2015 behind is that really, 2016 should have been the year that we saw an addition to our family. I hadn’t announced anything to family or on my blog or social media as we were still in the early days and the only people that knew were a handful of friends.
On the 17th of December, I started experiencing some light bleeding but knowing this can be quite common, I sent a text to my midwife (who was yet to make contact with me for my first appointment!) and resolved to make an emergency doctor’s appointment in the morning. The next morning, I visited the doctor who checked me over, worked out that I was 11 weeks and 3 days and who although advised me it was unlikely to be anything serious, rang the early pregnancy unit to get me a scan asap and I believe she also berated the midwifery team in the GP surgery for leaving over a month after my booking appointment with the doctor to contact me. At this time, I took what the doctor said on board and kept some hope that it was nothing, just a common occurrence in pregnancy.
The next day we made our way over to the hospital for a scan, both of us trying to keep positive – hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Nothing can prepare you for those words though, nothing can stop your world from crashing down around you as you struggle to comprehend what you have just been told. Missed miscarriage. I thought I was 11 weeks and 4 days at this point but they had found no heartbeat and through measuring, estimated that the baby had died at 8 weeks. The weekend Steve had gone into hospital, the weekend I was so stressed. I found myself trying to find reasons why this could have happened, why was it a missed miscarriage, what I could have done differently. I think what I found most difficult was knowing that for three weeks, I had been thinking and dreaming about our life when the new baby was here, had spent time talking to Steve about it, rubbing my belly, feeling a connection. Then it had all just been taken away from me, just like that.
Because it was a missed miscarriage, I still had the whole process to go through and they booked me in for a second scan (they have to get a second opinion regarding these matters even if it is obvious what has happened) on the Wednesday, two days before Christmas Day. If nothing had happened naturally by then, then other options would be discussed – it was all about what I was most comfortable with. I was reluctant to go for either the pessary or surgery option due to how close it was to Christmas – despite everything that was going on, I didn’t want to ruin Jack’s Christmas when he understands so much more now.
I didn’t have to decide though and things took their course naturally. There are no words to explain this and I really don’t want to but I do want to say thank you to the few blogger friends of mine who knew what had happened and looked after me so much in the days following everything, I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart – especially Emily who dropped everything to be there for me when I needed her most.
The after effects have all but stopped now and all I am left with are some horrible memories and some dreams for the future that won’t ever be realised. But there is nothing I can do, there was nothing I could do and sometimes these things happen. It doesn’t mean I’ve got over it, it doesn’t mean I will ever get over it. Will it put me off trying again? No. Will I wait a while? Yes, I need to be sure I am in the right frame of mind before doing so. Will I publish this post? I’m unsure. I just felt like I needed to write it and if I do publish it, then I do. If I don’t, I don’t. It’s been therapeutic getting everything down and out of my head – stopping me from going over it again and again to see what I could have changed. There isn’t anything and I need to remember that.
2016 may not now be the year I expected it to be but I still plan on making it a good year, as best as I can, leaving 2015 as far behind as I can.