Time for a personal post today. I’ve been finding it tough recently, I am not going to lie. Work has been as hectic as ever yet I’m constantly chasing my tail; chasing invoices that are promised that aren’t delivered on time. Steve is currently off work sick so the work pressure is even greater; I’m needing to make sure I’ve got enough to cover his bills too if he can’t.
We’ve had a new sofa delivered and it has been stressful trying to declutter and get rid of stuff – trying to keep the sentimental stuff and get rid of all the crap. How do we end up with so much stuff? With everything Steve and sofa and declutter related going on, work has suffered so I’m constantly chasing my tail trying to catch up.
Olivia is feeding constantly at the moment – she seems to be going through a growth spurt! She’s generally a happy little miss but I’ve been feeling as if I have her constantly attached to me recently. I love breastfeeding and can do most things whilst she is feeding but it sure isn’t easy.
I’m finally starting to really come to terms with my Dad’s death from back in January. I haven’t shed many tears since the day he died except for his funeral; it still doesn’t seem real to me. I still try to call him to tell him about something Jack has achieved at school or something new that Olivia is doing. I still expect to see him sitting in the garden reading the newspaper when I go and visit my mum. I know he’s gone and it is finally starting to sink in a little more – I think before I was just in a post baby haze and with everything going on, I didn’t give my time to grieve properly. I keep finding myself getting teary and thinking about little things such as our last holiday together. I found a postcard and Jack’s last birthday card from both my mum and dad together at the weekend and it made me a little sad – all his postcards and birthday cards and Christmas cards from now on will only bear Nanny’s name.
I’m gutted that Olivia won’t get to meet her wonderful grandad. They only shared the same world for just over 24 hours before he passed away and he was so excited to meet her but ultimately never got the chance. It terrifies me that although Jack remembers things about my Dad now, he will forget them as he grows older. Steve’s mum passed away when he was 7 and his brother was 5 and he doesn’t remember too much – we are both worried that he won’t remember my Dad or Steve’s grandad very much, even though they were such big parts of our lives.
In comparison, my problems are superficial, they’re trivial, but I’m finding it tough right now. Tough to have motivation, tough to always be putting on a brave face, tough to keep this blog going sometimes. I don’t want to give it up – I’ve been blogging now for over six years and this was effectively my first ‘baby’. But sometimes recently it has been seeming like more of a chore than fun – and even though I know my blog forms part of my job and my income, I don’t want it to become like a chore, become tiresome.
I think I’m going to give myself some relaxation time – slip into the bath with a good book or curl up on the sofa and make my way through my extensive TBR pile. I think then I will start to feel some sense of normality again.
Has anyone else been feeling like this recently?