This evening I have a guest post from one of my friends. She has chosen to remain anonymous right now as she still finds it quite hard to talk about, especially the effects the loss had on her and her partner’s relationship. Its important to discuss these aspects and I hope you can support her like you have supported me. Thank you.
They say one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’m sad to say, I’m one in four.
This is a subject that has taken me a while to talk about. So much so, only a few close friends know the story. Although a few years has passed since I first suffered a miscarriage, it’s still so raw, and is by no means an easy thing for me to discuss.
The lovely Bex has allowed me to share my story with you today, so thank you Bex.
I have had a total of 3 losses. None of my babies have ever made it past 5 weeks. Only one ever made it a day past that positive test. I never had a scan, never saw a heartbeat, never even saw a midwife. Because, in the doctors who I saw said ‘it’s best to carry on like you were never pregnant’. But, I was.
My losses were what they call a chemical pregnancy. A super early miscarriage. Most people who suffer them, don’t even know theyre pregnant. And to some, doesn’t even count as a baby.
The main reason I wanted to share my story today, because well, I just needed too. I still feel anger, upset and frustration that we’d lost our babies. The anger I feel towards the attitude of people and what the doctors said the above. I felt like I couldn’t be sad about it. When it happened the final time, I didn’t take time off work, I didn’t tell a soul. Because those words, rung in my head. As far as the world was concerned, my little jellybean never existed.
That’s just not true or fair though is it? I sat there with my other half, we discussed names, how to announce it, who they’d look like, we went and looked at cots, clothes, pushchairs. We were excited new parents to be. Those 2 weeks I knew I was pregnant, were the best of my life. I’d never felt happier.
The day I started to cramp and bleed, I knew it was not meant to be. After all, the feeling was all too familiar. To most, getting past 12 weeks is a blessing. For us? Getting past that day after, we were feeling positive! After difficulty trying for 2 years, I truly thought we were getting our rainbow baby. Instead, another loss, another heartbreak and ultimately, the end of my relationship.
This isn’t to say couples can’t get through loss. No, please don’t think that! I know some couples who it made them stronger. For us, the pain caused a rift, arguments and made us different people. I went through phases of blaming myself, why couldn’t I keep a baby? What was wrong with me?! How was my body failing to do the one thing nature intended a woman to do!? The phases of blaming my other half. He was causing me to be stressed, we would argue. But in reality, as sad as it is, it’s just one of those things.
To this day, I still get emotional, our final baby would be turning 2 soon, instead, I light a candle and as sad as it sounds, sit there in silence. I imagine what they would have looked like, who’s personality they would have taken after. Would they have daddy’s smile, my eyes? I struggle still when close friends tell me theyre pregnant. I know it sounds terrible, because I really am over the moon for them! I’ve had tests, there is no reason why I can’t get pregnant. And I know one day, when I find the right man, I’ll get my rainbow. And they’ll be the most wanted and treasured baby there is.
For now, I continue to come to terms with it all. A slow process, but I’m getting there.