When it comes to your relationship, having kids can often put the brakes on the intimacy you have between the two of you. It can often feel like you’re having to navigate a different type of relationship where time is limited, energy levels are depleted, and overstimulation from the day’s events can make things harder in the bedroom.
Intimacy often declines after children due to all of these factors. Rebuilding those connections between one another requires shifting from spontaneous moments of desire to prioritising emotional safety, communication, and, where needed, medical support rather than trying to get back to where you were prior to having a baby.
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Why intimacy changes after having children
Many reasons contribute to the why. Here are some of the reasons intimacy changes after you have kids.
Exhaustion and time
A lack of sleep can be a big libido killer, and that’s something that’s all too common when you become a parent for the first time. Even years down the line, having kids can be exhausting; as such, you might not always have a lot of time for getting intimate with your partner.
Physical changes
There are a number of physical changes that occur, particularly for the woman after having a child. Breastfeeding, hormonal drops, and recovery from birth can all cause pain or a low desire to have any form of sexual activity.
Touched out feeling
When you’re a parent, you’ll often feel overstimulated within your day-to-day environments, especially when having a young child.
That touch-out feeling is common and as a result, can often result in your feeling like you need to not be touched by your partner as a result.
Shift to roommates
That shift from romantic partners to co-parenting can often make you feel like you’re in a roommate type of relationship as opposed to what it was before the child or children came along.
How to rebuild the connection between the two of you
So how do you rebuild the connection between yourself and your partner? In a lot of cases, seeking the help of an expert can be a good starting point, especially if you’ve already tried to make a difference.
Speaking to someone like Mike Novikov, sex therapist, might be just what you need to communicate better and find the connection you need to get intimacy back on track. Here are a few extra steps that might help you, too.
1. Redefine intimacy
It’s not just about sex when we talk about intimacy. It’s laughing together, doing activities outside of the house, and holding hands over dinner.
2. Prioritise safety and support
Intimacy often thrives when partners feel supported and not pressured. Reliability in those daily tasks that are a part of parenthood is a great way to build the safety needed for desire.
3. Start slow
Focus on the non-sexual touch, whether that be massages, hugs, or cuddling. All of these can help to take it further, but without the pressure on any one person.
4. Use tools
Lubricant is an essential part of postpartum, so it’s good to make sure you have the tools and toys available to help make it more enjoyable in the bedroom.
5. Communication is key
Finally, communication is key. Talk honestly about your needs, fears, and the capacity you have for intimacy rather than just avoiding the conversations that are needed.
Hopefully, with this guidance available, you can help improve intimacy levels with your partner for the better.