Earning the confidence of a young person who has been let down by grownups is a delicate process. It isn’t something that happens overnight. In fact, it often feels like one step forward and two steps back. When a child learns that adults don’t stick to their word, they become experts at protecting themselves. They might act out, ignore you, or push you away just to see if you will leave like the others did. It is hard not to take it personally, but try to see it as a shield they have built to stay safe.
Favour Reliability Over Grand Gestures
You might feel the urge to spoil them or make big promises to prove you are different. But actually, the most powerful thing you can do is be boringly predictable. If you say you will pick them up at school at 3:15, be there at 3:15. If you say, “we can bake a cake on Saturday,” make sure there is flour in the cupboard.
These tiny moments of keeping your word are the bricks that build a secure wall. And when you do slip up, because you are only human, own it. Saying “I am sorry I forgot, I will fix it” teaches them that mistakes don’t mean the end of the relationship. It shows them that adults can be honest and that you respect them enough to apologise.
Master the Art of Hanging Out
Pressure is the enemy of connection. Intense eye contact and deep questions can make a wary child shut down. Instead, try “side-by-side” parenting. Watch a film together, drive in the car, or do the washing up. It is in these low-pressure spaces that they might start to open up.
When they do share something, just listen. You don’t need to fix their problem instantly. Simply saying, “That sounds really tough, I’m sorry that happened,” validates their feelings without overwhelming them. It tells them their emotions are allowed in your house.
Don’t Go It Alone
Caring for a child with a complex past takes a lot of energy. You cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling stuck, use the resources available to you. If you provide long term foster care, reaching out to your fostering agency for a chat or some extra training is a brilliant move. It shows you are committed to doing the best job possible. They can offer a fresh perspective when you are too close to the situation to see the wood for the trees.
Notice the Shifts
Success might not look like a Hollywood movie ending. It might be a shy grin, a relaxed posture at the dinner table, or the fact that they shouted at you instead of hiding in their room. These are signs they are starting to feel safe enough to be themselves. Keep showing up. Keep being steady. You are doing something incredible by simply being there, day after day.